Differentiation of Self In a relationship, there’s a struggle to balance your individuality and togetherness. When pressure builds, the pull to build the togetherness force overrides the individual force. One person might make adaptations to privilege the togetherness force to maintain and preserve the harmony at a loss to the individual. This might be giving in or giving up of self. This sets up emotional fusion and a less developed or poorly differentiated self, which means that each person is heavily dependent on acceptance and approval of others, or dognatically proclaims what others should be like and pressures them to conform. The less developed a person’s self is, the more impact others have on his/her functioning and/or the more he/she tries to control, actively or passively, the functioning of others. This only becomes problematic when the loss of self becomes severe. The loss of self is at the heart of all couples issues. Differentiation is a process by which we become more uniquely ourselves by maintaining ourselves in relationship with those we love. It’s a lifelong process of taking our own shape. Differentiation is the ability to stay connected without being consumed by, controlled by, or controlling or coercing the other person. The differentiated self is solid but permeable allowing you to remain close even when your partner tries to mould or manipulate you. Over time, those adaptations can’t be maintained. They’re not sustainable. The pattern of emotional functioning continues until one person can’t tolerate the extent of giving up self- which leads to a shift, and the beginning of taking a more differentiated step. Differentiation is an action! This is who I am, think and believe in relationship to you! It’s self-respect in action! Taking a more differentiated step Most relationships show signs of trouble when the ME-DOWN person has had enough of being squashed or stifled, in one form or another. This may be the man or the woman, and in most relationships, there is some form of counter balance of the two power struggles operating at any one time. It’s very rare for the overall “top dog” partner to initiate any changes to the status quo, because the whole system is set up to meet his/her needs, usually at the expense of the partner. Movement usually comes from the “under dog”, the more disempowered one who is the least happy, and seeks to leave, or get help through counselling. Rocking the boat is the first sign of differentiation! For this partner, it is usually experienced as absolutely having had enough, and a temporary ungluing” from the relationship, along with a growing of a spine and a stronger sense of self, and firmly taking a stand on a particular issue, or even the whole relationship. This destabilises the old structure, which throws the top dog partner into a spin, and, more  often than not he/she retaliates with even stronger control measures to regain control, doubling and trebling his/her efforts. It often becomes all-out war, and on many occasions, this manoeuvre is successful, with the underdog retreating back to her/his former position, only to build more and more resentment, until next time. It may take underdogs many times of making these power moves before gaining enough strength to be successful. Usually once successful, though, there is no going back to the disempowered position. Whether the old relationship survives or not will depend on how willing the top dog is to recognise his/her contributions and be willing to change. The longer the patterns are entrenched, the more difficult it is to change. Gradually over time, the partner who has developed a stronger sense of self learns to take a stand more early and more easily in situations, leading to a relationship that has less rocky waters, either in the now-transformed old relationship, or in a new one more suited to her/his new level of growth. Ultimately, our relationships are happiest and we are all best served by growing ourselves toward differentiation. At Small Steps Psychology, we work to help you in your relationship to be more differentiated and at the same time helping you to be mutually respectful, open and honest. We use real life strategies to help you challenge each other and yourselves in a positive way to grow in yourself and your relationship.